Fresh blood
On a new page.
Reading life's lines
Before they are written.
Every word
Stands to conceal
Thoughts of the free mind.
Resounding thoughts through corridors of fine brickwork,
Empty as they both may be.
Synapses strangled and left for the grave.
Utter chaos as the dead pour soil on the living,
Leaving lore once forgotten
To stand as a base.
Strengthening the past's grip on the present.
The once free mind,
Restrained from any new ideas, grows thirsty.
Yet the well never dries.
Among the helpless cattle.
Growing old in blindness,
Approaching the slaughter.
I realize I am no better.
Nefarious as they are, on every level.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, Eric!
I like this! I feel that there were a few things in it that could be improved, such as, as a few mentioned, the cohesion of this, but I love how you subtly included the first-letter message.
I think, that in order to improve this poem, you need to try rewording the rest of the sentences sans the first word, you know? Maybe experiment with some long, some short lines, and choose words that flow into one another to get it rolling. I quite enjoyed this as it was, but I do see where the flow stumbles.
Thumbs up,
June
Thanks very much for the feedback. I guess you win some and lose some haha. I will try to learn from this failure and write something better next time. This one didn't flow as well as my others because of my attempt to spell out a message with the first letters of each line. I think by doing this I limited myself a lot as far as what I could express. I'll take this as a failed experiment, but it's not the end of the world. Thanks again for reading and giving your opinion.
Kamas and Snoink are both right. This poem has no real cohesion, although you do have some awesome material here. As for what I think you need to correct, I would say you need to work on your redundancies. For some unexplained reason, I have a really hard time when people overuse the same words, especially in a poem. For instance you repeat thoughts twice and free mind is also repeated. Watch that, and try to see if you can find a synonym that works to replace any repetitiveness. Keep writing, you obviously have the talent.
Hi Eric!
Right now, it seems like this poem is mostly made of a bunch of ideas that you thought were cool into a bunch of ordered phrases that you thought sounded cool. But it doesn't have any soul, and that's where the problem is. Make it more than just a bunch of cool ideas... reveal something from yourself and bare your soul. In doing so, you'll help us bare our soul... and then real art can be created.
Good luck!
Hi Eric.
Hmmm, this is interesting. This poem is a stagnant piece with a nice vocabulary sprinkled on top. I'll bluntly I didn't like it.
Though it is well done, I feel that the rhyme and imagery you created was muddled and heavy. Poems that have a slightly apocalyptic feel to them are always hard to get right. I think you should look at this one a childish level, really. I think this is when things are most successful. If you want that creepy feel, simplicity, like the way a child thinks, is best.
You have the vocabulary and the potential, just maybe being more free with your poetry may help you a little bit, this seems overthought and rigid.
If you have any questions, drop me a line ^^
Kamas